This winter has been one of the worsts in recent memory here in Utah. One explanation is that the snow fairies smoked too much pot and they have just been sitting up in the clouds over Utah, eating Cheetos, and totally forgot to turn the snow machines OFF. That would make some sense, Colorado did just legalized pot and that is just the next state over. But whatever. Snow fairies, you suck.
However, another explanation for this winter is that it is… all. my. fault. You see I guaranteed us all beautiful winters while I had the beast machine, or Honda CR-V, that could kick-ass through any weather. I used to laugh in wicked glee as the poor shmucks slid around the road. The beast machine and I would spit out snow and salt as we passed by. “Muah-ha-ha, suckers!”
This year the beast machine decided to be a complete ass and gave me an ultimatum…. Spend $5,000 to fix, or buy a new car. Well no one gives me an ultimatum and lives to tell the tale! So I kicked the beast machine to the curb (nice pun) and leased myself a little Mini Cooper. Cute lil’ bug of a car. The kind of cute car you just wish it had cheeks to pinch. The kind of car I may or may not say good morning to when I see it each morning. Totally not admitting either way.
(Holy buckets batman! Another good pun… car-ma!)
Maybe the beast machine is spitting on me from car hell, paying me back for my abandonment of its sorry ass. All I can say is I am not laughing anymore. I keep forgetting that I have the worlds smallest car.
– – –
The other day I drove up to my boyfriends house. Now let me tell you he lives in this 100 yard radius that seriously the universe decides needs more snow than the north pole. A house on a hill, with a hill driveway. Shit-and-giggle-loads of fun! I come slaloming up the street and see the driveway isn’t plowed and there is a good foot of snow piled up at the end from the plow. NO PROB, I think. I’ll just muscle my way through… and get stuck a foot in the damn bank!
Now I’m a pretty stubborn, independent, competitive chick. I was NOT about to let the boyfriend see me stuck at the end of the driveway like a dumb GiRL. I hop out of the car, slide down the driveway, open the garage to get the shovel and run back to bail the mini out of this snowbank. I work like a mad-woman, because any moment I can see Steve coming to the door and laughing his ass off at me. I jump in the car and try the gas… still stuck. More furious shoveling. Another try… holy frankenfudge!… still stuck. I use that little Wisconsin brain and back out. Success! And like a hurricane, I shovel a path to my little parking spot. Sweat pouring down my face. Jacket off. Hat askew. I sheepishly go in the house. The dork was in the shower! Totally missed my whole mad escapade.
– – –
This is just the beginning of this winter. Snow banks. Slippery roads. Ice storms. Hours driving 4 miles an hour. No time up on the ski slopes. Yeah, winter fairies you suck! And I’m sorry everyone that I bought a mini and gave us this winter from hell. It might just be all my fault.